I Hated Men.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Galatians 5:1
A male family member violated me on a street corner in Keegan's Wood. I laid lower than the ground my body was pinned against. I remember the sun, concrete, and my legs, but I don't remember exactly what happened, whether a single tear formed or a word spoken. I know in that moment my mind first registered the feeling of being hurt, helpless, overexposed, and violated.
And again, the summer before eighth grade, a friend's trusted dad sexually abused me in the bed of his pickup truck. I remembered everything this time: the stench of cigarette and metal woven into his tattered shirt, his beer stained breath, and every inch of my body contaminated by his calloused hands.
It was the 4th of July, Independence Day, and I was trapped. My friends lit Roman candles a few yards away. All I had to do was yell, do something, say anything, but I remained pathetically paralyzed.
I did not love God at that time. I didn't know who Jesus Christ was, let alone understand His love. People didn't see the evil thoughts I suppressed or realize how hard I fought just to smile.
Love was reserved for those who earned it. I placed hope in meeting the one man who was... perfect. Literally, perfect. Only he deserved my love. Every man fell short of that perfection. My heart urged me to commit violent, hateful acts daily.
I invited Christ into my life sophomore year of college. By then, selfishness enslaved me. Hatred and disgust exploded from inside my chest. I fell dangerously comfortable in surface happiness and fought daily for something my mind left nameless.
I was spiritually depleted.
The following year, I attended our Church's Revival Conference, Campus Crusade's Texas Fall Retreat, Nha Ca (Winter Camp), Dallas Winter Conference, and the Epic Movement National Conference. The Lord spoke to me at EVERY event through his servants by addressing my relationship with men in scattered, random tangents. Tears streamed down my face each time and I didn't know why.
Then, the simplest truth struck me: Jesus was fully God and... man. I knew if Jesus Christ himself stretched out His arms to hold me I would turn away and run. Does Jesus watch me when I shower? My distorted heart believed He was like every other man: sinful, capable of hurting me. If I cannot receive the love of Christ I can love no one.
I fell into the deepest pit of my life. I begged. I pleaded. I cried out for Him to hold me, to comfort me.
And I got nothing.
Where were you God when I was LYING THERE ON THE CONCRETE? I was FOUR YEARS OLD. I couldn't call on your name because I didn't know you existed. Now here I am. I am Yours. I am your little girl. I am calling on Your name and You stand SILENT. Make these thoughts go away. I can't fight this anymore. I don't want to give up on you. I refuse to give up on you. Please, let me love you. Show me how.
Still, nothing
As days rolled into weeks upon weeks, I didn't say a single word to my sweet Heavenly Father. I wanted to pray, but I couldn't. I finally broke down. Lying curled up in a ball, between sobs, I cried: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Jesus, please, please. Jesus, please."
Nothing.
I forced myself to attend Initium that Thursday. During praise & worship singing, I prayed to myself, "LORD, crush this evil heart of mine. Crush it. Crush it. Crush it. Please, give me a new one. This one is too messed up. Please, please give me a new, selfless heart."
Our guest pastor invited people to step up to the altar. I reluctantly walked up and waited, not expecting much. Before I could open my mouth, Pastor Kevin Kinchen grabbed my head and proclaimed,
"Freedom."
Yes.
"Freedom. FREEDOM," he repeated.
"Man has let you down, but God, GOD will NEVER let you down."
"You will have a new heart. It begins tonight. You have a new heart."
And I still do. It was Thursday, March 22, 2007. I went to sleep that night with an incredible... peace. My heart felt physically different, like someone had clamped it down all those years and finally released the grip. Not a thought of violence or anger has entered my heart since then. I don't fight them anymore. They cease to exist.
Freedom.
His Word says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I praise my sweet Heavenly Father for His love, faithfulness, mercy, and sheer grace. There are times when my prayers seem to inherit the wind, but He remains faithful even when I waver. He answers every single prayer and the precision in His timing is irrefutably perfect.
My loving Father thought of me before I was born. He didn't want me to experience such pain, but I trust in His perfect purposes. Because of them, I am here today writing you this testimony knowing and loving the only God Almighty. He winced with pain when I laid like a bleeding lamb on that concrete and again on my dorm bed. But in ALL things, good and bad, He is always, always, always working for the good of His children even before we accept Him as our LORD and Savior.
I am gloriously free in Jesus Christ who died on that cross being fully God and fully...man. Amen! I am free to do the very thing I was created for: Love—to love my LORD my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind. And also love my neighbor as myself.
Freedom.
Love is more than a feeling, it is also a verb. It is easy to love a lovable person, but a child of God is free, by God's grace in His Son, to love even the most difficult, undeserving person in all mankind. That is how Jesus loves. God, most High, humbled himself and became man. He died on that Cross because He loves every single one of us—whether we love Him back or not. We are not deserving of this love. We did nothing to earn it. We sin against Him daily, yet "While we were still sinners, Christ DIED for us." Such is His Love.
There exists a beautiful, expelling freedom in loving a horrible, evil person more than you love yourself. Ironically, many people cannot love the One person in the history of human existence whose heart has never conceived even a thought of doing harm.
Perhaps a family member, friend, or stranger has deeply hurt you. Hatred and thoughts of revenge bind us. Are we not slaves because of the love our hearts lack? The kind of love I am speaking about is impossible to know unless you first receive Christ's love. It is better than the love you have for chocolate. It is greater than the love Shakespeare conveyed between Romeo and Juliet. It is richer than the love you have for a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is the perfect love the LORD pours lavishly upon us. It is real. And you are only a prayer away from experiencing it.
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him" 1 John 4:16
Amen.